Magic the Gathering!

Nicol Bolas: Queen of Vanity

So…

Sometimes you find yourself temporarily working for an ancient, unfathomable evil. My bad. Through freak coincidence, I got out of working for him any more AND I got my end of the deal (What it is, is unimportant. You’re not here to read about me.) But fact of the matter is… I have some information that many people have never heard before…

Nicol Bolas is a little girl. Massive, incredibly evil dragon with an ego to match. And absolutely obsessed with his appearance. It probably doesn’t help that Sarkhan Vol, dragon fanboy extraordinaire was part of his little posse along with Tezzeret the Scowly and some mooks.

Apparently there was some ancient, extremely powerful and previously unknown artifact somewhere in some backwater Plane called Ir. We had to steal something from some Fomori Nomads. I was requested because part of my Planeswalker schtick is Ooze which is kinda helpful when extracting ancient artifacts from ruins, I guess but I’m unimportant in all this.

So we arrived on Ir. Kinda lame. But the drama started here. We were trekking through the island. We must’ve walked for a minute before I heard a big, booming, “STOP!” Bolas had a look of absolute, utter, disgust on his face. ”I am NOT stepping in that mud. My claws were just painted.” I was absolutely incredulous but I didn’t want to say anything.

I shit you not, Sarkhan Vol threw himself in the puddle to be used as a stepping stone. Luckily, Bolas didn’t want to waste someone like Vol and decided to fly over, buffeting the three of us heavily in the process. We continued on, Tezzeret mumbling obscenities under his breath like a pre-teen that just learned to curse.

After many more ‘grody’ obstacles we found the obelisk that contained our unknown prize. I just wanted to go home at this point which sucked because now it was my turn to shine. I tunneled using my good ol’ fashioned ooze. Bolas made it a point to remind me that it was ‘Icky’, ‘gross’, ‘unclean’ or some other adjective every few seconds but I finished. And there it was…

It was a man-sized phial just filled with massive insects. I thought it was pretty neat. It took him a few seconds to realize what it was. The dragon looked it over, then shrieked, flying out of our tunnel as fast as he could go. His two lackeys, latching onto his tail as if they knew what would happen.

^ Secretly a 12-year old girl.

I’m lucky things went the way they did. That my talent is kind of gross and that our little discovery sent the monster off, crying. It seems that a villain of that magnitude wouldn’t be such a little girl but… It happens, I guess. Maybe he didn’t know what my specialty was exactly.

I just know… It’s hard to take him seriously now. Big, scary reputation but… Wow.